You Couldn't Make It Up #2

Having had a little, no massive pain on the joint of my big toe, the good Doctor decided to offer me some painkillers should this occasional occurence visit me again.

Naproxen tablets is what she recommended. Before a prescription could be printed, I asked if they were available over the counter as it might save a few bob.

Indeed they were. So off I trotted to the chemist who promptly refused to serve me.

It turns out that Naproxen are exactly and I do mean exactly the same tablets used to relieve period pain. Yet they are not to be dished out to all and sundry. Just to women in need.

She made the point that I didn't appear to be showing any signs of menstrual tension (admittedly difficult in the case of a grumpy old man). Which I suppose was my opportunity to say "While I'm here, I'll have a pack of Feminax for my wife"

But even if had chosen this option, there's always the possibilty of an embarassing moment down the pub... your big toe starts throbbing and in front of all your mates, you reach for the Feminax.

Not quite the solution I was looking for.

American English

America and Britain are two nations divided by a common language. It's been said many times and once again we have proof.

This time it comes from a U.S. Government spokesman at a press conference regarding the attempted bombing in Times Square.

He said "This investigation is ongoing, multi-faceted and aggressive."

Well I'm sure it is. Although I can't help feeling that this statement of the bleeding obvious doesn't really give much away.

Plain speaking that's what we need. Or do we? The Labour candidate for Norfolk North West who in the same news bulletin, calls Gordon Brown "Britain's worst ever Prime Minister" has left no room for ambiguity. Interesting timing though

More education needed

So a schoolteacher has gone on trial for attempted murder after removing an unruly kid from class and hitting him with a dumbell.

Weak teachers have always been considered fair goading game to kids in class. I can think of a few episodes many years back that make me wince.

This story though reveals two victims. Not just the boy that was assaulted but the teacher who hit him. For sure, no-one can condone such actions no matter how stressed the teacher may have been.

Yet kids will always test the boundaries. And sometimes, as in this case, when you push people too far, they can suddenly snap.

Maybe more needs to be done to educate people that unpleasant actions can have appalling consequences. The place to initiate that would seem to me to be in the classroom.

Ravy Gravy

It doesn't matter which brand of cat food we buy our moggies, nor does it matter whether it's the gravy or jelly version, their eating habits are maddening.

They completely lick off the gravy (or jelly) and leave the meat. Occasionally they return for a little of what they left, but the amount of wastage is staggering.

I'm sure they are not alone. Which begs the question "why don't cat food manufacturers produce a gravy only version?"

I'd be first in the queue.

Gobbledegook

On this morning's news it was announced that Wightlink have cancelled ferries from Portsmouth to Fishbourne due to "Operational Reasons".

Well that explains absolutely nothing.

What's the problem exactly? A flotilla of seagulls blocking the harbour entrance. The captain and his crew have scurvy. Volcanic ash threatens to fall and clog up the Solent.

Why can't people who put out statements announcing bad news be honest and give a sensible reason why something isn't happening?

Is it any wonder that the public get angry about a lack of information?

You Couldn't Make It Up #1

When your mother-in-law is not as fleet of foot as she once was, it's comforting to know that the Social Services are on hand to take her shopping once a week.

Comforting and baffling.

It transpires that Graham who accompanies "the Duchess" has been given a new set of rules to follow. There is no difference to routine. It is still the Post Office for pension and Sainsbury's for food.

However, Graham has announced that it is no longer permissible to purchase birthday cards at the Post Office. This must now be done at Sainsbury's.

Naturally he is unable to offer a reason why this is so.

So no browsing at cards in the queue at the Post Office (where there is a better selection I am reliably informed). Instead there is to be a detour between fruit and veg and household cleaning to Sainsbury's rather average card department.

Perfect logic to absolutely no-one but the person who dreamed this up.

Cricket It Most Definitely Was...

Back in 2006, my village cricket team managed to get a charity fixture against Lashings who are made up of ex professional International cricketers.

The difference in class was more than obvious after we took to the field as six after six and occasional four was scored. In many cases, the ball went out of the ground never to be seen again. In fact 28 were lost that day.

I came on to bowl at Phil Simmons (West Indies) and Greg Blewitt (Australia). After having the special moment of getting Phil Simmons play and miss to an outswinger, runs followed with ease.

At one point during one of my overs, Greg Blewitt approached Phil Simmons who was about to face the latest new ball that had been introduced.

"That ball is an orangey colour and I don't like it" he said. "Get rid of it." After I bowled the next ball, I turned to look over my shoulder as a straight drive, soared out of the ground far, far further than any other ball that day.

1-48 from 4 overs. I got off very lightly.